how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
smell my finger.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
