I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
