i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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