well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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