I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
