He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
