Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
