It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
