I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
