so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
