Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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