Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
