I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
