my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
