i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
