guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
