I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
