I wish I only lived at night.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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