You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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