u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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