i drank out of a bidet.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
