He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
