After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
