I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Couch. On fire.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
