I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
