3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
