3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
