Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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