in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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