oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
