Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
