Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i barfeds in our rink
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
