we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
