On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
