life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
