why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
