She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
