is your mom at the bar?
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
