he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
