they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
