Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
it's like heaven, but drunker
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
