Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
