Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I need a beard to bite.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
