He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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