I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
