Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
