and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
