I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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