apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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