its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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